2) Bang Zoom

Fuck Michael Bay. As Shia walks to his car, a hipster junker car with about two holes in the roof and one just under where his left foot would be so he has to, like, hover his foot so it doesn't touch the road, and he starts to get inside when he spots Bay’s car. He knew it was his because it was Bumble Bee and license plate said #BAYBERG. Shia grabs a crowbar from his trunk and walks over to the damned Camero.

SHIA: Hey, buddy, it’s been a while.

Shia winds up to smash right down on the windshield, but, before he can send in the killing blow, he stops. He can’t do this. It wasn’t Bee’s fault. Shia instead tries his luck and opens the door. Surprisingly (or maybe not quite as surprising as one might’ve hoped), the door opened and Shia hotwires the car. He backs out just as Bay and Wahlberg walk out.

BAY: Hey! That’s my car!

WAHLBERG: Mike, he’s got Bee!

BAY: Go after him!

Mark starts to run for Shia, but he falls short. Shia floors it out of the parking lot and bob and weaves through traffic just enough to get good distance before they call the cops.  

LATER

Shia stands there in an open field. Bee has lost all his juice. He was most certainly alone and stranded. Shia grabs a cigarette and walks over to the trunk. He takes out a box labeled “Mike’s Drugs” He opens the box and is overwhelmed by the vast assortment of brain melting materials carried around so neatly in a not so big box. Before Shia could decide which euphoric suicidal drug coma he wanted to be in, what appears to be a large spaceship crashes just over yonder! Shia runs over to the wreckage, The Ship looks beat to shit, but isn’t on fire, so that was something. The shock and utter confusion oddly enough isn't the ufo that crashed into this random open field, but the pilot inside. Shia walks over to the cockpit and forces it open with a nearby stick. What followed the freeing of the door was a burst of spastic hilarious laughter. Any film fan would recognize the sound. Inside the cockpit was Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage.

SHIA: NIC CAGE!?

NIC: SHIA! Boy *cough cough* aren’t I glad to see you! Hahahahaha!

SHIA: Nic, what the hell is this!? You’re in a space ship! What the--

NIC: Thi-*cough*This ship still has some kick. HAHAHAHA!!

SHIA: Wha, What? Nic, we need to get you to a hospital! Does this run on gas? I have Be--I have a car but I’ve run out of gas.

NIC: No, no. But. *Sniff* Shia. *Sniff Sniff* Shia, I’m dying, it’s just gonna happen. Can, I have some of that coke. I can smell it.

SHIA: What? No you don’t have to die.

NIC: Shia, get the coke and bring it! I’m dying! I need to stay alive long enough to bestow on you a quest of great importance.

SHIA: What?

NIC: Coke!

Shia brings over the cocaine and starts getting out a pocket knife.

NIC: Fuck the knife, give me the whole thing.

SHIA: Nic, that’s crazy!

NIC: Give me the whole fucking THINGGG.

Shia puts the coke bag up to Nic’s nose and he snorts every bit he can.

NIC: Feel like fuckin Ghost Rider!! Shia! The ship is beat up, but it has some kick. You need to--GAH!-- you need to see if you can take it to the moon

SHIA: What?

NIC: Take this fuckin ship to the moon! Find a pilot with a less shitty ship

SHIA: The moon what the-a pilot? What the hell are you talking about!?

Nic grabs Shia by the shoulders and gets almost nose to nose. (Coke dust transferring between the two)

NIC: I’m fucking Nic Cage and you just saw me crash down to Earth on a spaceship! I know. My shit!

SHIA: I don--

NIC: Zip it! Now listen! On the moon, there is a hub where space people go. I’ve programmed it into the computer. Go there! Just fuckin' go!

SHIA: I need to go to a hub on the moon?

NIC: The place is called Armstrong’s something or other.

SHIA: Armstrong's?

NIC: When you get there, find the fucker with the best fastest ship and go to the edge of the universe

SHIA: Edge of the Universe?

NIC: I’m fuckin DYING Shia! Get there! *cough cough* haha *cough* HAHAHAHAHAHA

Each cough gets harsher and harsher followed by hysterical laughter by the fading actor.

NIC: I’m going. I’m going. Tell Jeffry….Tell Jeffry no. HHHHHAAAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA

And with that. He was gone. His body goes lifeless, Shia shuts his eyes for him. He didn’t know him that well, but he still shed some tears.

SHIA: Damn. I like Nic Cage.

Shia turns his attention to the ship. He walks over to it and sits inside. The thing was pretty banged up but the cockpit itself seemed pretty safe. Shia looks at the space gps. As Cage had said, its destination was programmed for the moon. Shia takes Cages body and sits him inside Bumblebee. He strategically lays the drugs at his lap and wipes his prints. It looks like Nic died doing what Nic wanted, and that was alright. Shia dials 911 and informs them that Nic Cage has died of a drug overdose inside of Michael Bay’s car in the middle of field just outside town. Hopefully Mike hasn’t reported Bee #45 as stolen. Shia gets back into the ship and straps himself in.

SHIA: This is crazy. But fuck it. Fuck this world. Fuck Michael Bay.

Autopilot was as easy as a press of a button. The ship rumbles for a bit like an old clunky car. It was here that Bernie Mac’s words from the first Transformers movie is heard in the back of Shia’s head as the ship putters to a sky facing position.

BERNIE (RIP): Driver don’t pick the car. Car picks the driver.

SHIA: To the moon!

The ship charges up and shoots into space.

1) Not Famous Anymore

He always hated these things. There was a time he no longer had to do them, but complications got in the way. Look at them. So desperate to make it. He thought he was better, yet here he is. Right where they are and back where he started. The door opens and the latest of poor SOBs exit the room. You see it on every one of their faces, one after the other. “I think I did alright,” “Oh, that was horrible!”, “Maybe I should just give up and go home.” He knew the story, but he was different. He knew how this world REALLY worked.

ASSISTANT: Mr. LaBeouf? 

Shia looks up, almost startled. It was his turn to go in. He gets up and walks into the room. 

DIRECTOR: Shia! Long time no see! 

SHIA: Hey there, Mike.

And yet here he was. Auditioning for Michael fucking Bay. The nerve on this guy. He didn’t have to audition for the first Transformers, yet there is some sort of apprehension for the 6th installment. Jesus, why did he even agree to do this? Next to Bay was Mark Wahlberg, his new boy toy. Just look at how they side glance each other. Get a room why don’t you? 

BAY: Alright, if we could start at the scene where Cade and Sam meet. Is that good for you Mark? 

MARK: Yeah, good for you Shy? 

SHIA: Shia. And yeah.

BAY: Awesome. Okay and action!

MARK(as Cade): Whoa, man, who the hell are you?

SHIA: I’m Sam Witwicky I--

CADE: Witwicky? Why does that--wait! I know you! Optimus told me about you! You were Bee’s friend! What happened!?

SHIA: Well a couple years ago I--

BAY: Cut!

They stop acting.

BAY: Mark, that was great this character is second nature to you at this point. But Shia…

SHIA: What? 

BAY: I don’t FEEL Sam Witwicky when you speak.

SHIA: Mike, I played this character through 3 movies, I think I have it down.

BAY: Yeah, but the Transformers franchise has evolved since then. 

SHIA: Evolved? 

MARK: Some might even say “Transformed”?  Huh!?

Bay and Wahlberg break out in uproarious laughter, Shia barely cracks a smile. 

SHIA: Can’t we just cut the bullshit, Mike? 

The room gets quiet. 

BAY(maintaining a smile): What bullshit? 

SHIA: All of this! Those wannabe actors outside, this whole auditioning charade. I’m the only one who’s even played the character, you might as well change it from Sam Witwicky to Johnny Blowfuck without me, so how about we end this and just get back to work? 

Bay looks at Shia and then at Mark. 

BAY: Mark, could you excuse us please? 

MARK: Sure thing, Mike.

BAY: Thanks. 

Mark leaves the room. Bay and Shia are alone.

BAY: Shia, we have done 3 movies together and the success I’ve gotten from it I will forever be grateful for. But, can I ask, who was it that left the franchise? Who was it that said “You can take this fluffy fake commercial shit and shove it back up your ass?” Do you remember who? 

SHIA: Mike--

BAY: It’s Mr. Bay to you now, Shia. When you told everyone on set to go fuck themselves, I knew it wasn’t personal. You were going through some shit, but for you to come back to me and pretend that I’m just going to give you a job? That's a little..what's the word...entitled. 

SHIA(sighs): Mike..

Bay holds up a finger.

BAY: Look, the fact of the matter is, these movies are made for 12 year olds. They want explosions and a badass score with cool chicks running around in the middle of an intergalactic space war between rival robot armies. You’re a great actor, your indy’s are fine. But the kids have no idea who you are anymore and, quite frankly, neither do I. You come in here after 7 years calling me “Mike” as if nothing ever happened? You said it yourself when you were throwing your public hissy fit. You’re just not famous anymore. Happens to the best of us. Listen, maybe you can start off small, I have this new autobot, he’s 4 feet tall and he keeps making cracks about Cade’s wife’s ass its really quiet hilar-

Shia jumps up from his chair and tackles Bay. Before he could get a punch in, he hears:

MARK: MIKE!? 

Mark Wahlberg bursts in and restrains him.

MARK: Jesus, what is wrong with you!? 

BAY: It’s alright, Mark. Let him go. He’ll never work in this town again. 

Shia just looks at Bay with disgust and hatred. 

SHIA: Screw you and screw this piece of shit franchise.

He storms out.